guess which ninja bought me this turtle?? heehee.. :D thx dude! 



Happy birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

happie 20th birthday han.. *hugZ*



遇见了你 ~ 陈弈迅

遇见了你让生命美好
我看见繁华的春天爱情如阳光闪耀
我给你我的爱

离开了我你默默低头
我看见往事如云烟爱情沉重的忧愁
那依旧温暖的笑容啊
那不再提起的永恒
那曾经完整的美梦啊
此时此刻你也会遗憾吗

终于你离开了带着我给你的爱
带着我的幸福飞到了天边
到另一个世界留下我的伤
终于你离开了我

爱到最深处不该怨尤
是对自己的承诺
只是他不曾了解我
告诉他我还爱他

The perfect song that describes how i feel.. this is my 100th post :)



airport phobia....

juz came home from sending xun off.. yes, airport again.. sigh.. i knew i overestimated myself..

the journey home was lonely.. juz me and myself.. it felt juz like 3 mths ago on my way home.. sitting on the bus alone, the emptiness that felt overwhelming all of a sudden.. i allowed myself to let everything out, everything that i held back at the airport..

the moment i saw xun walked in, i was thrown back in time, remembering the moment when i saw him walk in.. it still feels so real.. it still feels so heart wrenching.. the onli difference is that i noe i wud see xun again.. do you noe how it feels to see someone walk thru the departure gate, knowing that you'll probably not see him in person ever again? do you noe how it feels to cry silently in bed, and onli fall asleep when your eyes hurt too badly? do you noe how it feels to let him go, becoz he has bigger dreams to persue? do you noe how deeply it hurts to tell him "i love you" for one last time, and knowing you shud never say it again?

allow me to cry.. juz for this night..




i had to take a picture with this turtle! it's so cute!!!!! 




my girls! 



*warning.. super long entry ahead!*

mid sem break is soooooo short! 4 pathetic days onli.. i still gotta go back to school for bioD prac on fri, and after dat i'll be going down to airport to send xun off.. oh man.. airport again....

well, finally sat down to hit the books today.. realised i totally neglected my stats and chem to prepare for my CAs for the other 3 mods.. i'm totally lost for chem.. i need a chem tutor desperately.. i dun even understand wat i copied down during lecture.. all the late night waiting is not doing me any good either.. stoopid chem lectures are always at 8am, first lect of the day when i can barely open my eyes.. so, i always seem to be lost in lala land rather than listening to the scottish lecturer.. all these nonsense must stop.. i've lost faith in waiting, and maybe dat's a blessing in disguise.. :)

things have been rather calm.. i do get my occasional emotional upheaval, but i can control myself most of the time (except in front of pastor).. dun ask me why.. i dunno why i can't control myself in front of him.. everytime i listen to him talk, my tears wud juz start rolling.. his words are always so true.. in front of him, i feel like i can throw away all my burdens and juz feel at ease.. but it's realli malu to always be crying in front of him.. this must stop too.. :)

have been reading the bible.. started from genesis, den skipped to matthew, and now i''m skipping to john.. haha! it's confusing.. i have to read the same chapter again and again b4 i (think) i understand wat it means.. however, i dun feel the connection between God and i when i read.. not even during prayer.. i dun seem to be able to "feel" him, if you get wat i mean.. so, i started to read this book on "teach us to pray".. maybe things wud be better after i understand wat prayer really means..

although God gave me a tough road to walk, he gave me many angels along the way too..

1. God gave me zeh.. she's my biggest emotional support through all these years.. she's the only one who wud buy me prego tiramisu for supper.. she's the only one who wud buy me a bible (precious moments!) when i realli needed one (ok ben i noe u brought one for me too.. :D).. she's the only one who wud write me cards that would ALWAYS (i really mean always) make me cry.. she's the one whom i noe wud always love me, no matter wat happens.. she's the strength behind me.. she's the reason why i'm still standing here today.. i love you zeh.. :D (ok u're supposed to be crying now zeh.. haha..:D)

2. God gave me tianhan.. although we're not tog anymore, i noe he still cares about me.. like wat ben (benedict) said, at least he still bothers about me.. i'm glad that our paths crossed.. i'm glad dat he pulled me through a rough period in JC.. i'm glad i could once say "he's mine".. i'm glad we're still good friends.. :)

3. God gave me great friends.. yixin babe, dun think i need to say much.. haha.. we always understand each other, even if we haven't talked for a long time, rite?? sisi babe, thx for being the silent strength behind me, i noe i can always count on you.. you're the one who wud cry becoz u felt so xin tong for me (at the airport) :).. siying, kristy.. thx for being there for me, to cheer me on and to support me.. jin.. thx for listening to all my nonsense.. :D ziqian, u're the one who has been thru alot with me.. glad we're still such good friends after so many years.. brother, you're my guardian angel! ben.. thx for being there to listen, thx for all the strawberry sweets and strawberry yoghurt, thx for making me smile.. :)

i think i definitely missed out many pple, but to pple out there who're important to me, u noe who you are! i'm sure i can move on, with so many pple behind me.. oh dear.. i took an hr to write this entry.. goodness!

oh btw, happie 21st birthday zhengfei! hope things wud go fine for you at LSE.. next time when we meet 9 mths later, let's go back to CHS to eat yoghurt k?? :D



因为太了解所以很伤心
没有你只好听着风的呼吸
却有种叫做时间的东西
说没问题
最后我们会痊愈

因为太了解我无法坚定
这一次会要掉眼泪的决定
有些遗憾只能一个人听
很对不起
我还是珍惜
所有的事情



can i realli trust you? can i realli believe that you would deliver me from all my fears and problems?

no doubt, i feel much stronger now, when i feel like i dun haf to think so much and i can just leave all the uncertainties to him.. having a faith is so powerful.. somehow, i feel more clear minded now.. i feel like i can get hold of myself once again.. much have been happening, especially at home.. i guess i'm starting to open up to him.. i dun noe how long i can stay focussed, but i wanna remind myself that someone's watching over me.. the thot of someone protecting me is comforting, and it gives me mental strength to pull thru..

so, let it be..



having mixed feelings now.. dunno why.. just when i thot i can finally leave everything behind, i feel like i can't.. ok i'm not making sense.. urghh.. i dunno how to put it into words.. i'm tired, dat's why i wanna let it go.. but the more i try to let go, the more i feel lonely.. i do feel lonely.. it's seriously not me to be staying at home on weekends.. i'm not taking the intiative to ask pple out too.. when i haf no plans (which is normally the case), i wud juz stay home and date john mcmurry (the author of my chem textbook).. since when has jaymie become a mugger? a full-time mugger?? i'm not me, i dun feel like myself.. some part of me is missing.. the fun part of me is missing.. i'm so drained of energy that i juz dun feel like moving.. i dun even wanna do anything.. but i'm forcing myself to study.. pushing, pushing, pushing myself..

i'm stuck in this vicious cycle, and i noe i can onli depend on myself to walk out of it.. i'm such a failure.. why?? juz when i thot i could let it go, i've fallen back into the bottomless pit.. and now i'll haf to pick myself up all over again.. i noe i deserve to be happier than now, but it seems like i'm not allowing myself to do so.. am i torturing myself? i dunno.. there are too many questions in my head, but i choose not ask them.. coz when i start asking, i wud haf to find answers and reason and excuses for them.. so wat if i find answers? will it change anything? ?

have been in a realli stone mood for the past week.. deprived of sleep, too much stress from work.. i'm left with very little energy to pull through till next week when all my CAs end.. sigh..



finally told mummy dat i've broken up with th..

she said she wud love me more.. haha.. how cute.. :)



JAY'S WISHLIST!!

i want to......
1. be happie.. :)
2. find motivation and purpose in studying and in life
3. go bowling, ice skating and cycling ( is this considered 3 wishes?? haha)
4. eat prego's tiramisu
5. eat the nicest strawberry cake on earth! layers of fresh strawberries between layers of sponge cake.. whoohoo! any suggestions where i can find it??
6. buy a new pencil case
7. play mahjong!
8. sit down and chat with friends throughout the night over drinks
9. go travelling!
10. go for a concert
11. go for a spin
12. go for a late night supper at jalan kayu roti prata..
13. learn driving
14. find time and determination to exercise ( to lose weight so dat marc won't niao me again)
15. have a bigger heart
16. play the piano well!
17. sing better
18. go shopping
19. go for a movie marathon (on a weekday.. tickets are cheaper.. :D)
20. compose and sing a song of my own!

haha.. dat's all.. 20 wishes... am i too greedy?? :)



And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to turn to
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of hapiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own



i'm watching 绝对superstar now.. omg.. kelly's last song is very bad... so 刺耳... dun understand why the judges liked it.. hahaa..

anw, was listening to weilian's last song, 其实你不懂我的心, and i had the urge to write this entry.. was seriously very very touched by him.. although i thot he could haf sang better than he did, his last song realli won my heart.. frankly, weilian can never be a 绝对superstar (even if he wins), simply becoz he's visually impaired.. he won't be able to handle the up tempo songs.. but still, he can kill all of us with his 麻药 in his ballads.. haha.. :) weilian has come a long way.. i respect him for having the courage to stand on stage and sing in front of 8000 pple.. i respect him for holding tightly to wat he believed, although many pple out there were pointing fingers at him.. i guess god is fair to him.. he took away his sight, but gave him a beautiful voice..

but but but, i still like JUNYANG!!!! hahahaa... he's lin jun jie's very good good friend.. wahh.. if onli jy was the male champ, den he wud be able to sing with good friend on stage.. how cool is that!!! and xin hui grew so prettieeeeeee.... omgggggggg... she's so chio now... wahhhhhhh.... :D

林俊杰shall be my new 偶像.. lalala.. :) i wanna sing 屋顶!!

awaiting the results! next 2 weeks wud be stressful for me.. dieeeeeeeeeeeeee....