i remember myself looking forward to chinese new year every year.. new clothes, nice clean room, lots of ang bao, lots of goodies.. this year is a little different.. there was no anticipation, onli weary and uncertainty in me.. the worst has happened, as expected.. hurtful words that were unecessary.. i felt like a punch bag all over again, and i think the cycle is just going to repeat itself again and again.. as much as i've learnt to cope with it, it still hurts..

going to beejie's house tmr.. boon lay, jp, 179, ntu.. all that i've been avoiding for the past 7 mths.. i'll haf to face it tmr..

there are onli 2 things that can make me feel so down.. 2 pple.. it's cny.. issit meant to be this way?



心 被海风吹过 碱碱的自由 还隐隐作痛
当太阳沉没我们的故事 全剧终

伤 被时间追过 今天的自由 是一道彩虹
带我迎接明天最亮的晴空
抹干眼泪往前走 用微笑召唤幸福海鸥

我们勾勾手 不准不快乐
就把舍不得 都丢进回忆的黑洞尘封
我们勾勾手 如果遇见更好的人
一定要更坚强 勇敢去追求

我们勾勾手 要比谁都快乐
就把舍不得 都丢进成长的黑洞尘封
我们勾勾手 如果遇见更好的人
一定要更坚强 勇敢去追求
一定更坚强把爱 勇敢追求

好伤心, 好伤心...




the doc found polyps in pastor charlie again, which makes him a high risk cancer patient.. he has been bleeding for the past 5 days.. fresh blood everyday.. everytime he went to the toilet, the entire toilet bowl would be covered with blood.. when he broke the news to us this morning during worship, i could sense the tremble in his voice.. but still, he chose to trust the Lord, and pray.. he'll be leaving for india on a mission trip tonight.. he chose to spread God's word over his own personal health.. he took up this test of his faith bravely, and trust that God would keep him.. i just couldn't stop crying when i heard it, and i'm sure i was not the only one because i heard many others who were sniffing away.. pastor has been a faithful servant of God, and yet his testings are much much much more greater than mine.. it just made me wonder, who am i compared to him? instead of dwelling on all the unhappy things in my life, why can't i trust the Lord and find a great sense of joy from it, just like pastor?

in the past, when i was still a non-believer, i wud definitely say that pastor made a foolish decision.. of course he should seek treatment right away, rather than going on some mission trip to spread the word of God that the other 4 pastors could do anyway.. but now, as a young believer, i really truely respect pastor for his selflessness.. i came home feeling this indescribable weight in my heart.. i tried to sleep it off.. but i just couldn't..

Trust in the Lord, everyday.
please, please pray for pastor charlie..



my mini birthday surprise gathering at zq's house today! hahaa... pansy baked the cake! it was good!! :) 



dinner with my og on the 19th.. :) 



thx for all the presents! thx for all the well wishes! thx to everyone who made this day special for me.. :)

i'm 20! and i'm proud of it! gonna embrace the good times and bad times ahead, gonna move on, gonna smile more, gonna be happier! i'm lovin' it!

thankyew everyone! i had a VERY happie 20th birthday! lalala.. and happie birthday brother! :)



On the eve of my birthday, i've decided to keep to my promise and so, here are ALL my passport sized pictures!! hahaha.. this is all 19 years of my life.. oh man.. i can't believe i'll be 20 tmr.. in like 1 hr!!

starting from top left hand corner, left to right..
1. my very 1st picture! when i had long hair.. cute?? :)
2. when i was a bit older.. can't rmb when.. i was so happie! hahaha..
3. in pri school.. p4 i think.. when i snipped my hair.. and i never had long hair since..
4. horrendous hair! omg this is the worst pic of all!!!
5. hair's even shorter.. a tomboy in the making.. :)
6. p5 i think.. how come i look so blur in the pic? and i actually had purple backdrop! my fav colour! :)
7. p6.. certified tomboy..
8. sec 1.. i realli think i look like a boy.. wat was going on in my head man.. :S
9. sec2! my PIT (prefect-in-training) days! pinafore and tie.. :) the hair's slightly longer..
10. sec3! the first time i put on my prefects uniform and took this pic.. :)
11. see the hwa chong collar pin?? haha.. took this in j1, during orientation in hc.. :D
12. end of j1.. hair's longer, and i'm looking like how i look now..
13. very last pic of mine! took this last year, for my matric card.. haha.. my hair is at it's longest ever since i snipped it in p4.. :)
14, 15, 16. repeated pictures!

so, yours truely, me! *muackZ*



nowadays, when i look back at our pictures or think back of the times we had, i no longer haf tears.. instead, i haf wide smiles on my face.. i'm confused.. does it mean that i've really taken a step back, or does it mean i've learnt to love you even more?

i hate rainy days.. they make me all wet, cold and grumpy.. :(



i officially announce that the clumsy jaymie is back.. :(
i fell down at home! i tripped myself, can you believe it?? it was a nasty fall.. now my right knee is swollen... iced it for the past hr.. oh man.. i think it wud be worse tmr!!!! pain pain pain pain pain!!!!
i had this very bad feeling that i was going to slip and fall today coz it was raining so heavily, so i was extra careful when i walked on the streets.. but.. aiyah! i still fell down at home..

ok.. i can totally imagine pple laughing at me now.. why do i always fall down?!?!? why!!! somebody tell me why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(



Trust in the Salvation of the Lord

How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exhalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes,
Lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest my enemy say,
"I have prevailed against him";
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13.

i'm glad i went to church today.. this psalm really, really spoke to my heart..




met up with 73 pple today (yesterday actually) at xun's! it felt so good to just hang out and chill, even if it was just sitting ard and watching a movie.. it just felt comfortable.. it felt great! and guess wat? we actually web cammed th.. haha. he stayed up throughout the whole night just to wait for us.. to keep himself from falling asleep, he put on his headphones and turned on the vol to the max, so that he wud wake up if we msged him! hahaha.. it's so him.. onli you wud do this kind of things wangtianhan! hahaha.. i missed all of your actions.. your 'lol', your funny and dumb faces, your smile, your voice.. it was great seeing you again, after so long.. i've missed you.. :) how i wish you wud fly back, gimme a big fat hug, wish me happie birthday, and fly back to michigan.. haha..
i haf pics! but i'm too tired now.. i'll upload them tmr.. :) nitez worLd!




low. very low. super low.
down. very down. super down.
suey. very suey. super suey.
stressed. very stressed. super stressed.
sian. very sian. super sian.
urgh. very urgh. super urgh.



i went to bed at 10pm today.. and now i'm wide awake.. conclusion, never go to bed at 10..

read zf's blog.. i never knew it is so hard to leave.. to walk thru the departure gate, feeling lousy about having to leave everything behind.. i've always been so caught up by how i felt when th left, but i never saw it from his point of view.. he probably felt 100X worse than me, but he didn't drop a single tear in front of us..

i really need to learn how to be stronger.. i shudn't just start crying when things and pple stress me up.. i shudn't run to pple for help immediately when i feel like i'm going to snap.. i need to learn to deal with things myself..

it's a lonely night.. noone to talk to online.. just me and my lappie and some nice music.. but you noe wat, i think i'm starting to enjoy being alone.. :) or shud i say i'm getting used to being alone?




你有为了你心爱的人, 而认真努力过吗?
我有. 那重感觉很踏实, 很幸福..



GOALS for 2006!!!

i wanna..................
1. grow in faith.. :)
2. bear my own load..
3. know more pple..
4. be nicer to pple, stop snapping at pple..
5. learn a new sport..
6. expect less from pple ard me..
7. be happier! from deep down of my heart..
8. watch more movies, sing more, listen to more music, eat more, laugh more!
9. love someone.. and find someone who loves me.. hahah!!!!

:) lalala..



received a call from an unexpected friend.. when i needed to talk to someone most.. :) haha.. i'm feeling happier now.. yay.. thx ivan.. :)

happie new year pple! haf u written your new year resolutions?? heh.. i haf! i wrote them in my head.. dun like to write them down.. haha.. coz onli like that would i haf an excuse to forget about them :)

going sentosa tmr.. whee~